Struggling

Wow! I have had a rough weekend. I am hurting, struggling and more angry now than I was a week ago. I realize that I am not living a life of acceptance. Upon hearing about photos seen on FB of other pregnant women that are 26 weeks or feeling cramps and knowing my body is performing its regular cycle or even sitting at the table and not hearing baby noises in the house, I get so upset. I should be 26 weeks pregnant. I shouldn't be having my regular cycle. I should hear Ethan crying out to be fed. I don't want to accept the loss of my baby because it shouldn't be that way. I don't want to accept that God created my body not to carry and nurture babies. That is what the female body was created to do. Well, why not mine? It hurts me to know that if we had made it to 24-26 weeks, that is when a pregnancy is considered viable and a premature baby's life can be fought for with medical intervention.

So, I am not accepting what has happened. I am not fine with not being 26 weeks pregnant. I do not have thoughts of, "Well it is what it is." or "Being 26 weeks pregnant with Ethan was not part of the plan for us." All is not fine. I am not fine.

I do hope to grow to accept what has happened. That is the only way to truly start healing. People say time will help with healing, but it won't if I can't accept what has happened. Time won't help if my heart and head aren't in the right place.

Check it Out!

Look at the banner Alina made for me! Isn't it pretty? I think it is beautiful and excited to add it to the 'ole blog. Thank you Alina!

Weeding the yard is great therapy!

More Healing Tears

In perusing a friend's blog, I came across a link to yet another blog titled "The Shape of a Mother". Within, there is a section on "Child Loss". As we are almost a month out from losing Ethan, the articles I read of other mother's losses, hurts, struggles and fears hit close to home. The stories not only had me bawling, but provided encouragement as well and left me feeling thankful for the experience and time we had with Ethan Matthew. He is precious, we will see him again and I hope to share his life and courage with his younger siblings one day.

Container Garden 2011

With starting out this year's gardening season pregnant and with the house on the market, I decided to try container gardening. Photographed here from left to right you find two pots of beans, one Rutger tomato, one green bell pepper, basil, squash, zucchini and one eggplant. So far, everything is happy.

Fuzzy Fellows

Check out these not so little baby birds. I know very little about birds, but I think these guys are teenagers. I say that, while they are still dependent on mom and dad, they think they are fairly indepedent and like to test the limits. See how he/she is standing so close to the edge? Testing the waters I tell 'ya...

Trying New Things

These are reusable napkins. I saw them on a friend's blog, called "face cloths", and thought I would give them a shot. I detest paper towels, just ask Matt and he will confirm, and I'm frequently looking for ways to cut down on waste as well as continue my frugal ways. All that to say, I'm trying my hand at making cloth napkins and working them in to our everyday lives. Some might argue that these will increase the amount of laundry that needs to be done. If I end up making a boatload, yes they would, but a handful can easily be hidden in to any load of laundry.

We are Rock Stars!

Compliments of the free photobooth with Dave FM at the Taste of Alpharetta last Thursday night. Matt said the photo looked like an album cover, while I feel like I'm in an Old Navy ad. Nonetheless, it was fun.

An Answer

Ecclesiastes 11:5

"As you do not know the path of the wind, or how the body is formed in a mother's womb, so you cannot understand the work of God, the Maker of all things."

An answer, one that people, I, have trouble accepting, but an answer nontheless.

Happy Mother's Day to Me

We celebrated our first Mother's Day this year. It was a difficult day, but also sweet. I would not trade little Ethan and the brief time I had with him for anything. Matthew made the day special for me. Simply being told "Happy Mother's Day" was wonderful, but he went all out and made me a blueberry cobbler from scratch and wrote me the most beautiful card. I love my husband and I love being a mother.

Congratulations, Clint!

You did it, Clint! We are so proud of you! We love you.

Precious Hands and Feet

A baby's hands and feet are precious. So tiny, yet so perfect and ready to experience life. They help the little one learn about the world around them. Our little Ethan's are even smaller. They still experienced life on this Earth, though short. Imagine what they might be learning and enjoying in Heaven (if we will even have hands and feet). :)

Ethan's Flowers

Family and friends blessed us with bouquets of flowers with Ethan's passing. We became quite attached to them, as they represented many things to us. Not only did they show with their presence how much others care for us, their vivid colors supplied comfort, along with their amazing fragrance that filled the house for almost two weeks. All things must come to an end. Yes, sadly, the flowers have been retired to la basura, but with the photos taken, we can remember their beauty and the comfort they gave us.

Bone to Pick

Who the hell coined the medical term "incompetent cervix"? Really? We have been mourning the death of our son for two weeks and now with our follow-up appointment since our pre-term labor and delivery, we have more to mourn. As wonderful and compassionate as our doctor was during our visit, it did nothing but bring up new hurt and cause the old (but not really) to resurface. I feel like my body killed our Ethan. Oh, I am so pissed at my body. I feel defective. And I truly and deeply dislike the blasted term named above!

TMI to Some

Well, apparently I have a stupid cervix. All the tests the hospital ran came back negative. No infection, healthy baby, good blood work so...I have a stupid cervix. STUPID CERVIX!!! This is very upsetting to me, yet I know any reason provided as to why I went in to early labor would upset me. So, we are now forever going to be considered high-risk with any future pregnancy, which also means work will cease and I will become the couch's best friend again. Also, I will definitely be signing up for short-term disability this go around. Stupid cervix.