A Desire for the New Year

This year I want to dust off Ole' Rosie, the camera, and bring back what I feel is the lost art of using a 35mm camera, completely manual and without a flash. I relish extending the length of the shutter while tweaking the aperture to create a photo like no other. A photo that I will put MUCH thought in to as I can't delete it and there will be an added cost, yet I do not mind. All this to say, I love the sound of the shutter clicking closed and the film advancing. Advancements in technology cannot replace this even with nifty sound effects. I love manual cameras. I enjoy Ole' Rosie.

My Favorite Christmas Gift

This necklace was given to me by my loving husband on Christmas morning. It quickly warmed my heart and brought hurt at the same time. A few tears and quiet hugs later, the necklace was donned around my neck and felt instantly at home.

I relearned today how important exercise and physical labor are in helping fight depression within myself. If you see that I am getting down, hand me a rake and stick me in the middle of a yard with a massive amount of leaves and my own thoughts.

Oh (sigh), Shoot for Happy Thoughts

If anyone wants to grow oak trees, we have plenty of seedling started for you.

We got an email from our HOA. All leaves must be out of your yard by the first week of December or else... This was not the emails exact words, but it could have been. Sixteen bags of leaves later, I am sore but proud of our hard work.

Touched My Heartstrings

I read an article today off NPR that was incredibly touching. It is titled "Elderly Animals", which at first glance, one can feel cynical, but with further investigation, can be seen as therapeutic. The photographer, Isa Leshko, ventured out on a new photographic expedition upon finding out that her mother had been diagnosed with Alzheimer's. While committing not to photograph her loved one during the decline from the disease, she starting taking pictures of animals that actually had the chance to live out their life, which I had not realized, many do not. Through her talent, she was able to work out the emotions she was feeling while providing care and loving on her mother.

This article, picture slide show and five minute video had me tearing up. Is it because I was gazing upon old animals having difficulty walking? No, even though that can be difficult to watch. I was able to see my little, old people and even more so mortality in those animals. Their beautiful coats, muscular stature, strong gaits and balance had all but completely disappeared. Their physical bodies decaying in front of our eyes as well and even more importantly in front of their own. Their was a sad beauty and an odd peace found in those photographs for me. Monday through Friday, I watch my little, old people continue to decline yet they are still laughing and sharing their lives with whomever will listen.

Questions from a Four Year Old

"Aunt Sarah, where is your baby?" questioned sweet Logan with big brown, serious eyes.

"What's that Logan?"

"Where is your baby?"

"Well, he is in Heaven."

"But why is he in Heaven?" he asked as he kicked around the Fall leaves I raked up for him.

"He was born too early and he passed away."

"He was born too early?"

"Yes, he died."

With those words Logan placed his hand up to his head, his inquisitive eyes softened to ones of compassion and shifted his stance,"Oh, I have to go tell my brother he is in Heaven." Logan stated with gusto as he raced away to find his older brother.

Next I hear, "Will, the baby is in Heaven."

You never know what might come out of a little one's mouth as you both are playing in the Fall leaves.

Beauty Found in Miami

Matthew and I were recently blessed with a trip to Miami to visit with dear friends. While vacationing, our hosts took us around the city on a grand tour where we happened upon a botanical garden and a national park. What a treat to experience nature, but with many differences from what we are accustomed to.

Life can be bland, dull, fine, happy, or thought of as even boring, then BAM!, it hits you in the face. I was talking with an old co-worker today about how much the office has changed and how when I came back from being out three months, there were many new faces to behold and names to learn. She asked why I was out and I provided a short and sweet version. We then separated ways and I headed for the restroom. While washing my hands at the sink, she glided over to the sink next to me and stated she had lost her first child. It had stopped growing. She proceeded to comment in an even tone that getting pregnant was not a problem for her. In fact, soon thereafter she became pregnant with her second child and while nursing became pregnant yet again stating, "So, I aborted it. I am so religious now that sometimes I feel bad. Like I murdered it." These words were stated like she was telling me how to make a peanut butter and jelly sandwich. I felt like I had just been punched in the gut. In a two second span I felt anger, then a confused sympathy and a small, feeble voice that I realized later to be mine whispered, "You will see them again one day." She turned to head towards the front of the building without even batting an eyelash. Later my thoughts and feelings are left at, "What am I suppose to do with that?"

Dos Anos Felicidades

Here are some beautiful sites and sights we encountered over our two year anniversary weekend. We were surrounded by beauty, changing leaves, crisp air, history and the love we have for each other. :) I am currently on a Spanish kick, hence the title, with our upcoming Miami trip. Practica, practica, practica!

Walking across the parking lot to the sliding glass doors, doors I had not crossed in 6 months to the day, April 21st, I wondered how long my eyes were going to stay dry. Not long. The admission clerk was not the one I remember and oh how I wish it was her as I would wrap my arms around her neck and squeeze tightly with appreciation. Lady, God used you to love on me, Matthew and Ethan.

Next, I was sent upstairs to seek out Connie, one of the nurses that cared for us after Ethan's birth. As I approached the desk and requested seeing Connie, the woman with salt and pepper hair hesitantly stated, "I am Connie". This was not my Connie, but she offered to help anyway. I started by giving her a smidge of the story as to why I was at the hospital visiting and it all ended in both of us crying and her embracing me ever so tightly. This was not my original Connie, but another Connie that still cares.

My next stop was Labor and Delivery, searching for Original Connie, Teresa and other staff that blessed us the 24 hours we were at the hospital. Non were present, but was able to share why I had come and how much I appreciate the hearts of the nurses and doctors. With tears on my face and sadness seen in their eyes, we conversed as compassionate humans, not healthcare professional to patient. Thank you nursing staff for the love, tears and compassion you bestowed on our family on April 21st. I think of our baby every day and therefore I think of you as well.

4 tsp chili powder
1 T crushed red pepper
1 T dried minced onion
1 T minced garlic
2 tsp sugar
2 tsp cumin
2 tsp parsley
2 tsp salt
1 tsp basil
1/4 tsp black pepper

Wow! This was amazing! I combined all these spices to add or rather complete the chili/taco soup concoction I was throwing together for dinner. My mouth was on fire, my sinuses were clearing...it was great! I originally headed to the pre-made pack in the grocery store, but couldn't pronounce some of the ingredients, so I went with an allrecipes.com source and ingredients I already had in my spice cabinet. This was a crowd pleaser and will be used again and again and again.

Homemade Therapy

In an effort to continue in the spirit of celebrating Ethan, I decided to learn something new today. Apparently, and I find this to be really cool, an old t-shirt can be turned into yarn. Well, I did just that and then crocheted a potholder out of the upcycled shirt. So good for the heart, head and soul. It is amazing how the creativity I have been blessed with has become such a way of healing for me. I am so thankful for that. Not only have I strived to fill my time with learning and doing but functional creating has come out of it. Also, less money has gone to a counselor. :)

Before Matt and I left for The Brickstore yesterday, I realized that the potential for crying throughout our trip was very high. Believe it or not, I took the time (3 minutes) to rip up an old t-shirt and turn it into hankies. They worked wonders.

Celebrate Life

Yesterday, September 5th, we tried our best to celebrate our son's life. It was the day the doctors gave us as our estimated due date and of all days, it was actually 'Labor Day'. Our original plans were cancelled because of tropical storm Lee and it bringing rain to our area, rain which we have not seen in a long time. We wanted to head up to Chickamagua Battlefield with our bikes and a picnic and take in God's green earth as well as get a history lesson and some much needed exercise. Of course with the day's weather, I struggled with not falling in to a pity party. What would Ethan want? How should I view this day? Celebrate. Celebrate that his birthday is April 21st and celebrate the few precious moments we had with him and CELEBRATE he is with his Heavenly Father. He is loved, healthy, happy and whole. So...where else should two people go when the dreary day and a burdened heart are weighing heavy on them? Down to Decatur to The Brickstore, of course.

One of Those Moments...

I just had one of those moments where I have to tell myself to keep breathing. "You can get through this Sarah. The sadness will lift, you will get distracted by life, persevere." A friend of Matthew's, acquaintance of mine, just gave birth to a beautiful little boy. He was due the same day as Ethan, September 5th, but came early. This momma is thankful he is safely here and I know his momma is thrilled! Yet, I still want to hide and forget the outside world sometimes. I feel compelled to cancel my Facebook account, ignore my phone, crawl inside myself and disappear. Fortunately, God blessed me with too many people that love me. For this I am thankful and for this I can look at depression, scare it away until it tries to haunt me again with another one of those moments.

This little number was an experiment that turned out well. As an accessory, it can be a scarf, belt or hair tie. I enjoyed sewing it as well as modeling for the photos. :)

Homemade Salsa Will Rock Your Socks Off

I have found homemade salsa to be a true and easy to make treat. The base...a large can of tomatoes. Throw the whole thing in the blender along with whatever you like in your salsa. I add cilantro, onion, cumin, a dash of Tabasco, jalapenos, corn and black beans. Pulse a few times in the blender and enjoy! Also, enjoy that it makes about 36oz and is cheaper and tastes better than the store-bought kind (my opinion of course). Feel good about the fact you can pronounce all the ingredients too.

Homemade Granola

Ha, ha! That title makes me laugh...anyway, just this morning I finished off my store-bought granola and I promised myself when this happened, I would make the next batch myself. This motivation came about from a conversation I had with Katie W. (thank you!). It is something I wanted to try and I couldn't ignore I rarely buy the stuff because of grocery store prices. Too high!

I just completed making my first batch of granola. Easy-peasy! Also, you can make to your liking, truly! I added sweetened coconut, almonds and pumpkin seeds (if the items are already roasted, add them after you bake the granola) to be baked with the oats and after the concoction cooled, I added cranberries and raisins. Yum! Here is the recipe I used as a base but definitely altered it to my liking. I did not add brown sugar and used less honey than the original recipe called for.

Try it!

Giddy-up!

Boy, howdy! I enjoyed making this skirt. I completed it during a particularly rough period of time I have been going through and it was a blessing to pour some energy in to creating a fun skirt from a pillowcase. It is hard to see in the photos, but the fabric consists of rocking horses and hearts.

Searching the grounds for the broom I claimed last time I was here, finally finding it and feel relief wash over me. Sweeping off the small rectangle holding the name of our son, his beautiful name, the date he joined us on this Earth way too early and the image of Jesus holding a boy and a girl on his lap and gazing lovingly in to their faces. His headstone now also bares the vase that we learned was stored upside down in the ground until you pull it out yourself...thank you Cassie for teaching us that, but really, no one should have to learn a lesson on where to find their loved one's vase that accompanies the headstone. Two 'Hot Wheels' cars now grace the quiet site that holds our boy's physical remains. His daddy wanted to give him some toys and he did, but we had to play with them, Ethan never will. Matthew ran them over my leg as we sat on the couch admiring his purchases and how Ethan would have loved them, especially since they were a gift from his daddy. With these sincere acts of wanting to love our son, all the while tears streaming down my face as I choke out what great gifts Matthew supplied for his baby. All these thoughts and realizations while cleaning his headstone when really we should be cleaning his cute bum and wiping off his chunky, smiling cheeks. I gaze around the baby section of the cemetery, all of a sudden I feel I need to parent and care for all these babies since we are the only parents present at that moment. I notice flowers tipped over, porcelain pieces cracked and broken from weathering storms, heat and cold. I jump up and start righting items, cleaning pine straw off of a little boys site. I also notice two other children have been placed here since Ethan's remains came back in May and feel a sudden kinship to these other little souls. Maybe Ethan greeted them in Heaven. Maybe they are playing together...who knows.

I can't stop crying! This is miserable. It is Friday. When I was young, Friday held such excitement and promise of a good time, now I generally just go home and spend time by myself. Even if I want to go out, many times I am too tired or if I do go out, things that need to get done at home will go by the wayside. Ethan's due date is coming up, September 5th, and that day on this year's calendar is actually titled "Labor Day". Of course, I know the day is not dedicated to women that have labored their children in to the world, but seriously. Not funny! A month ago, talking about the 5th didn't bring this type of reaction from me. More truth to the statement, "Grieving is not linear." I am so sad.

Every Day is Different

I do not cry everyday anymore. I do not forget though. My motherly instincts and desires are ever present. My hormones are still trying to fall back in to place. My hair is now falling out and in comparing stories with other mother's, apparently this is the norm. I miss my baby. I miss being able to hold him, comfort him and even cry with him as I also hear new mother's do. I feel I have missed out terribly and I do not know if Matt and I will able to ever be rid of those feelings. We are hopeful and almost ready to try for a brother or sister for Ethan even though neither will have the joy of each other until the Kingdom. This is exciting yet heart piercing at the same time! Fear we won't get pregnant as easily as we did with Ethan, fear of approaching weeks 11, 12, then 16 and finally hitting a brick wall at week 20, periods filled with complications and ultimately the premature labor, delivery and death of our son.

Pray. Pray. Pray.

New Adventure

Matt and I went on a new adventure today...visiting churches in hopes of finding one closer to home. This can be an anxiety inducing outing or even one that brings out cynicism and doubt. I must say though, I thoroughly enjoyed it! We located a church that meets in the Alpharetta Community Center, near the downtown area. It was a small gathering but Christ-centered and SO focused on serving the community, which I love. Having such a positive experience doesn't mean that we have found our new church home, but it does give us hope. With losing our son, Ethan, we have learned many things, one being how important it is to have community close to home so that we can all share our lives with each other.

Berry People Rock!

Yum!

Yesterday, Matt and I made our very first whole chicken in the crock pot. Crazy, right? I thought the end result was delightful. I particularly enjoyed the spice rub that I found on www.food.com under "Whole Chicken Crock Pot Recipe". Here goes:

4 tsp of salt ( I only used 2.)
2 tsp paprika
1 tsp cayenne pepper
1 tsp onion powder
1 tsp thyme
1 tsp white pepper (I didn't have this.)
1/2 tsp garlic powder
1/2 tsp black pepper

Try it and let me know what you think!

Boycott Papertowels

In theme with cloth napkins, I have also made fabric paper towel-sized items. Paper towels, if you think really, really hard about it, is a superfluous item. Hey...you will find them in my house too! But again, it is another one of those items I am tired of paying for, don't like that they make so much waste and can be easily replaced by using towels, cloth napkins or paper towel-sized cloths, which I have recently made. Also, since they are thin, can easily be added to any load of laundry. This project is great for someone new to sewing.

1. Cut out the size cloth you want to use. I traced around a cloth napkin we received as a wedding gift...nice, large size.

2. Cut off each corner of the fabric. Measure about 1/4th inch in and SNIP!

3. Fold the sides over twice about 1/4th inch, so that you won't have any frayed edges. I ironed these down before sewing since I only have two hands or you can pin them down.

4. Sew on all four sides. I like using the zigzag stitch and I love color, so I generally do not match up the color thread with the fabric. :)

Note to user...these absorb differently than paper towels do! Also, test your fabric for absorbency prior to taking the time to make these. If it is a stiff fabric, try washing it first and see if that helps. If the fabric is still stiff after washing, move on to a more appropriate cloth.

Here are some ways I have used my homemade not-so-paper towels:

Drying fruit/veggies after rinsing.
Covering food in the microwave.
Cleaning up spills...remember they absorb differently.
Eating a messy meal calls for a larger napkin.
Drying my hands, etc...

Count the Cute Sheep

In anticipation of baby #2 (not pregnant yet), I have been doing a lot of research on ways to cut costs, be friendly to the environment and sweet to little baby's skin. I found on several forums people claiming to have spent $2,000 in a two year period on baby wipes. Ahhhh! Well, I do not work that way. So...I have made some 2-ply burp cloths or baby wipes, whichever or whatever, from 100% cotton flannel. This material is also vintage and the finished product is upcycled. I have enjoyed these so much, I made extras. Who can deny the cuteness of these sheep? Care for these cloths like you would cloth diapers, unless there are only remnants of a runny nose. In that case, just throw them in the washer.

Kayaking on Lake Allatoona

Last night, Amanda and I kayaked 8 miles on Lake Allatoona. It was amazing. The first half of the trip was during the beautiful sunset, while the last 4 miles was under the full moon. Every time I gazed up at the moon, all I could think was, "Thank you Lord for creating such beauty." By the last two miles, my arms and hands felt on fire at every joint and I was ready to be back on shore. I would do it again in a heartbeat, maybe just not 8 miles or at least train for the paddle. :)

Baking Soda and Vinegar are Amazing

In the spirit of using everyday household items as cleaning products rather than buying the more expensive and harmful to fuzzy woodland creatures and the waterways products, try using baking soda and vinegar to clean the toilet.

1/4 cup baking soda

1 cup of vinegar

Pour each in to the commode separately, let sit for a few minutes then scrub. Simple, less harmful and cheap. I like it! Also, if you are easily entertained like I am, you will enjoy the volcano-like chemical reaction that takes place. :)

Latest Creation

My latest sewing creation is a bag meant to go on a walker. I work with the elderly and constantly looking for unsafe situations that they put themselves in unknowingly and one being trying to carry something and receive stability from their walker at the same time. Impossible! So this bag was created to increase their safety as well as independence in carrying items.

Don't get me wrong. This is not an attractive bag. Since it was an idea in my head that I wanted to put in to action, I used scraps in case it didn't work. So, now on to finding materials to upcycle to make some of these little guys. I realize this can be used in many ways though...in the car, at your desk or craft area, in the laundry room, etc. One may appear on etsy one day.

Finally!

Our pitiful container garden is finally producing a few things, which I am thankful and grateful that our eating doesn not depend on the huddle of plants on the deck. We do have a HUGE zuchinni plant, but it is being slightly stubborn or rather, there aren't enough insects due to all the pesticides used to fertilize the plant. Should I be concerned the cucumber in the last photo absolutley kicks the eggplant's butt in size? :) I have already decided that next year, if I am not on bedrest, I am going to plant seeds early in January and have a plant sale come Spring. I did this at a garage sale this past year and sold all the plants. It was very rewarding and fun!