Struggling

Wow! I have had a rough weekend. I am hurting, struggling and more angry now than I was a week ago. I realize that I am not living a life of acceptance. Upon hearing about photos seen on FB of other pregnant women that are 26 weeks or feeling cramps and knowing my body is performing its regular cycle or even sitting at the table and not hearing baby noises in the house, I get so upset. I should be 26 weeks pregnant. I shouldn't be having my regular cycle. I should hear Ethan crying out to be fed. I don't want to accept the loss of my baby because it shouldn't be that way. I don't want to accept that God created my body not to carry and nurture babies. That is what the female body was created to do. Well, why not mine? It hurts me to know that if we had made it to 24-26 weeks, that is when a pregnancy is considered viable and a premature baby's life can be fought for with medical intervention.

So, I am not accepting what has happened. I am not fine with not being 26 weeks pregnant. I do not have thoughts of, "Well it is what it is." or "Being 26 weeks pregnant with Ethan was not part of the plan for us." All is not fine. I am not fine.

I do hope to grow to accept what has happened. That is the only way to truly start healing. People say time will help with healing, but it won't if I can't accept what has happened. Time won't help if my heart and head aren't in the right place.