So, We Are THOSE Parents

 So, I guess we are those parents.  You know, the obnoxious ones.  No, actually, this was the only "Happy Birthday" balloon Matthew could find and when I saw him carrying it out of the store it brought wonderful comic relief to our situation.  We visited Ethan's grave prior to heading to Greenville for a day of celebrating his life.  You know, when I am at his grave, I can't help talking to him like he is actually there and he can hear us.  I also do that do his photographs as well as kiss the pictures we have of him.  His grave, his photographs and items from the hospital are the only tangible items we have and they bring out the human desire in me to interact and communicate.  I can't help it and really, I don't want to.  We even went to Ethan's grave and told him he was going to be a big brother.

Tomorrow is our son's birthday. April 21st will always be his birth day, but it hurts my heart to know there is no birthday. About 8 months after Ethan passed away, I realized that I would, Matthew would and even family and friends will always have "would have been" thoughts and statements for him. He "would have been" one year old tomorrow. There "would have been" cake, ice cream, a gathering of people to celebrate this life. Instead there is nothing at least not like one would hope.

We have plans to celebrate tomorrow though. I have purchased a fresh set of colorful and vibrant silk flowers to place at Ethan's grave. Matthew has been given the mission to obtain a "Happy Birthday" balloon from the grocery store to also be placed with the silk flowers. Visit his grave, indulge our emotions in an unhealthy breakfast at Chick-fil-A, then we are getting the heck out of dodge.

Our plan is to still celebrate our son's life, although short, still meaningful. What do you do for a child that is not with you? What do you do for yourself as a way to mourn as well as cope? Well, we decided sitting around a table crying over a cut cake and melting ice cream with our tears was not the way to go. We are heading for the zoo and hopefully to a ballgame if the weather and my pregnancy affected energy levels hold up. We feel at peace and comforted by taking part in activities we actually would have done with him if he were here with us.

Different Feelings This Easter

Last Easter was a tough time yet greatly softened with the surrounding love of family, friends and even complete strangers...and comfort food too. This Easter, yesterday, was so different.

Frist, we went to church and heard the beauty of the Easter story. One of my favorite lines from the service, I don't remember it verbatim, but Jesus walks right in to the center of hurt that takes place in this life with you. You do not have to endure it alone. Ahhhh, peace.

That afternoon, our home was filled with family, laughter and food. The day was gorgeous as we spent time in fellowship with the AC off and feeling gentle breezes pursue us from the open windows. Soon after, we moved outdoors to an Easter Egg hunt, which proved quite fun. I haven't participated in an egg hunt in years. It proves to you how perceptive you are (always an OT). :)

Today, I also felt pregnant with Peanut #2 for the first time. Meaning, when I bent over to pick up something, I felt like it was increasingly more difficult than it was a week ago. Nausea has been ever present for a while, but I am starting to "grow".

I am thankful these physical feelings happened on Easter. Over the past couple of days, I was reminded how important it is to never forget or ignore the hard times, but don't revel in them. Don't stay living in that tough time. Jesus will walk in to it with you and walk you back out stronger. It doesn't mean you won't feel or cry, but for me, I know I can have the feelings and that a smile or laugh is not too far behind as I fight not to live in the ugliness of this world including the memories of last Easter.