I Don't Know How to Feel

I wrote this about six weeks ago...

A positive pregnancy test.  One would think erupting joy and a smiling face that can't be squelched would be the result, right?  Well, I am happy.  Also, I am not jumping up and down in excitement.  With taking the test and learning the results, my thoughts bounce from, "I need to tell my husband." to "What have I done?" to "There is another soul in my womb.  God has blessed me with allowing me to mother and grow another soul."  My last thought, "I need to talk to my mom."

Everyday is a journey.  Everyday.  Some are calmer than others.  Some I wish were calmer.

Tonight, my husband and I will pick back up The Storybook Bible and read to our newest little peanut.  To the soul that is in my womb.  We have not touched this book since we were in the hospital with Samuel.  It has brought too much grief, sadness, heart-wrenching tears.  It will still be hard tonight, when the dust is brushed off and the pages turned again, but it is worth feeling all these things to celebrate this little soul we have been given to parent.

I Disappeared

I have not typed a blog post in quite some time.  I desire to, like one desires to enjoy a beautiful Spring day to the fullest.  Motivation has been lacking or maybe it is because I have been out and about soaking up Spring.  Yes, I am pretty sure that is it.

So, what has been going on?  Well, so much, too much even!  Oh, least I forget, assisting with three sister's weddings in thirteen months time has definitely been keeping me busy.  Actually, it is much easier for me and probably more enjoyable for you if I share the past several months via photographs.

 Discovered a new Colombian restaurant.  It is fantastic!

 Celebrated mom's 60th at the farm with the family. 

 Started this year's garden.

Celebrated Ethan's birthday.

 Saw Arcade Fire play at Lakewood (showing my age).

 The Taste of Alpharetta is always a good time.

 Helping prep for my sister's upcoming wedding.

 Starting the wedding festivities a couple of days early in Asheville, NC.

 The Biltmore sharing space with a beautiful rainbow and a reminder of God's promise.

 Two sister's weddings down, one more to go.

 Springtime storms in the South.

 Our first Magnolia bloom in our yard.

 I will never tire of Magnolias.

 Wedding prep for the next one in October.

 Combining two things I enjoy, photography and the small things.

 Celebrating Samuel's birthday.

Well, that was a very quick recap of what we have been up to.  I hope you are enjoying the Spring and all the many things a new day and season can bring.

New Batch

A new batch of lotion bars are up and for the taking!  These little bits of luxury are wonderful for your skin, especially with the harsh winter we have been experiencing.  Between these and coconut oil, I have kept some level of sanity during the cold season as these helped protect me from itchy, dry skin.  These are 100% organic and are original in scent.  Try one or two!  :)

Living Wheat Free

Oh man, I finally did it.  It only took a year and a half to finally take the plunge, to realize the benefit of the change now outweighed the difficulty of the change itself.  I stopped believing the lie my body would heal and become its old self again.  I started believing the truth that my body has changed, not been treated right and is now showing me quite boldly.  I am the only one that can take care of myself.  So, I did it.  I am now living a wheat-free life. 

I tell ya', life is better...

Decrease in painful digestion

Decrease in headaches

Decrease in acne and rough skin patches have cleared up

Weight loss

Decreased crankiness which Matthew really appreciates

Practically no heartburn

Increase in energy and decrease in lethargy

AND if I decrease or cut out processed sugars, I experience NO heartburn and I sleep much better.  I've noticed all the above changes since going wheat-free almost three months ago.

I know I have posted on attempts of doing this in the past and yes, I would fall back into my old ways.  This is for real this time though.  I rarely miss bread.  I do keep an 85% cocoa chocolate bar on hand when struggling with cravings and my fridge does have a few ciders and gluten-free beers.  There are some good ones out their folks.  Just do your homework.  The biggest item that has made this so much easier is that Matthew has been convinced of the change too.  So, my biggest fan has realized the benefit of me living wheat-free and is now able to encourage me in ways that are truly supportive.

Mercy, mercy!

Mercy, have mercy!  I am tapping out.  Someone please take my place and be Sarah today.  I am tired, I am weary, I am angry and today, I just don't feel like being me.

Matthew and I have been taking part in a potential adoption.  The birth mother already has 3 daughters and knew she could not take care of another child.  She made the courageous choice to keep the pregnancy, give the child a chance and to make us parents.  Of course, despite our adoption and family history, we were excited, much calmer and very aware that the birth mother may change her mind, but still excited.  We were hoping for a girl.  We realized we were not ready for a boy after the loss of our own boys and experiencing the failed adoption of twin boys.  Bringing in an infant boy to our family would open up a new level of grief and we were ready for joy and happiness for a change...and a baby girl.  I daydreamed of proudly bringing my new baby girl, due to be born in April, to my sister's May wedding.  I was planning to buy her a pretty little dress for the wedding complete with ruffles and poofy sleeves and place a little, delicate bow in her hair, if she had any.  I imagined slow dancing with her and Matthew at the wedding reception or lovingly gazing upon her and other family members as they held and cherished her.

The evening of January 27th, we received a phone call from a friend of the birth mother.  She was sobbing and the first words out of her mouth, "Sarah, I am so sorry I have to tell you this.  The baby passed away.  There was no heartbeat.  I am so sad.  A____ started bleeding at work, was rushed to the hospital and the baby had no heartbeat."  I was stunned.  Blind sided.  Sucker punched.  And left alone.  It took a good 10 minutes for the news to sink in.  A third child dead.  Next, uncontrollable weeping from me and Matthew with a blank look on his face and me noticing he was turning the world and his emotions off.

With tears subsiding came raging anger at God.  "How could you do this?!?  A___ put her faith in you, decided to keep the child and look what you did.  God, I need you to show me your goodness because right now, I am struggling to believe in it."  That was my plea for the next couple of days.  Thankfully, He did show, but not in a way I would have ever guessed.  

In the coming days, we learned the baby was born on January 24th at 30 weeks gestation and we decided to name the baby Miracle.  We initially did not know the gender but that did not matter.  My child, that my heart was anticipating, was not in my arms, not even in the same city as us.  This child was never held, kissed, told "I love you" and was not going to receive a memorial service from us and have physical remains placed next to Ethan and Samuel.  

Every time I have learned of a baby or babies that needed a home and we were chosen as their potential parents, a piece of my heart has automatically been claimed by these children.  With our first two potential adoptions, the children ended up staying with their birth families.  This was painful for us, but we knew that the children were with people that loved them, which caused my heart to heal differently since I knew the children were alive and being looked after.  The experience of the loss of this child has been completely different knowing Miracle is now deceased.  I am a grieving mother all over again.  The space in my heart this baby filled is still there but the space is no longer bright and sunny, but filled with sorrow and grief.  I know most people do not understand this.  Their thoughts and response are one of sadness but they do not understand that my heart started mothering this child even though Miracle was connected to another.

This week, we learned Miracle was a girl.  Happy birthday my sweet baby girl.  You are loved, cherished and will be celebrated.

IV

Four years completed, four years attained, four years and counting.  We have been married for four years with our anniversary being on 10.10.  I love Matthew more today than the day I walked down the aisle to meet him at the altar.  He is my best friend.

The following are a couple of clips from our weekend at the farm and all that we were able to enjoy...each other, bluegrass music and let's hear it for a little contra dancing.

I tried to find the name of the band to give credit where credit is due, and I can no longer find it on the website of the folk school where we learned of and attended the event.

Amazed

I am amazed.  Prayer is amazing.  I am flabbergasted.  I have been provided a tool to talk to God.  Hello?!?  That is amazing!  I have been given a tool to petition to God on behalf of little people that are dependent on others to fight for them.  Adoption, yes, I am talking about adoption and I am talking about Ephraim and other children like him that need organs in order to survive and I am talking about the neighbor around the corner that is a complete stranger yet a struggle has been shared in order that I will fight for her.  That I might cry out to God for safe homes for sweet children, for kidneys and other organs to become available to children that are slowly dying, that God will intervene on a strangers behalf and show Himself.

Do you get it?  I don't get it 99% of the time.  I catch glimpses here and there where I get it and you know what?  It knocks me over due to its mightiness.  Due to its extreme power.  Due to the intimacy and the emotion.  Due to love.  Love.  God has been shredding and tearing apart my heart to teach me to love.  To teach me to feel others pain and tangibly too.  To look outside myself and to see that ALL people are created by Him and in His image.  And you know what this does to me?  It throws me into prayer.

Consider Supporting Ephraim and His Family

I have the privilege of knowing the Harding family.  It truly is just that, a privilege.  This family has battled through many health wars in regards to their four year old son, Ephraim, since before his birth.  Ephraim has experienced kidney failure, has been on dialysis three times a week for several months and was recently told that a kidney donor match has been found.  Ephraim is scheduled to get a kidney transplant at the end of October!  Please take a few minutes and meet Ephraim through the following video.  He is an amazing child created by an amazing God.

 

In Our Corner of the Neighborhood

I have experienced all the above scenes on our 3/4 acre lot.  I am excited but nervous as to what I may come across next.

Hardship Can Be Beautiful

For the last four months, my husband and I have been on a roller coaster ride pursuing a private adoption of twin boys.  Whoa!  Do you need a minute to digest that information?  Through the power of social media, it was brought to our attention that there was a young mother not too far from where we live pursuing placing her twin boys up for adoption.  Without too much thought, we decided to pursue it.  We had been trying to choose an adoption agency and having a really hard time, so when this fell into our laps, I felt it was an answer to prayer as I did not want to go through an agency.  Back and forth with significant lapses of time in between communication, we sent our biographies, were told the birth mother was going to start interviewing couples, did not hear anything for weeks knowing that each day that passed was one closer to the birth, finally met the birth mother during a beautiful 2-hour meeting at a park, started and completed our home study in 3 weeks, five weeks later told we were one of two couples they were deciding between, another visit with the birth mother and then BAM! we were chosen as the adoptive couple with two weeks to prepare for two boys and having nothing other than a pair of yellow socks meant for an infant.  At that point, we started attending a handful of doctors appointments, friends, family and strangers donated items so that we could be prepared for the boys arrival and we did the next appropriate thing, contact our lawyer.  With just days until the scheduled C-section was set to take place and our excitement growing hourly on meeting our sons, we had our lawyer send over the appropriate paperwork for the adoption to take place and for us to obtain temporary POA as one of the boys was going to need extensive medical care.  Well with that move, all communication from the birth mother and grandmother ceased.  Matt was very calm and felt nothing was askew as throughout this whole process, there were many times where we would not hear anything for weeks.  I was not as calm as the boys were due any day as the birth mother has already started experiencing contractions.  On a Friday, as I was preparing for my youngest sister's wedding rehearsal, Matt called with the heart stopping news that we were no longer chosen to adopt the twin boys.  WHAT?!?  I exclaimed into the phone.  He said a text message had been sent to our emails stating that due to the legal paperwork, the birth mother had lost faith in us, our bond of trust was broken and the adoption was off.  Well, as you can probably imagine, we were heart broken.  Lose their trust???  All the paperwork sent over was normal protocol!  This did not make any sense.  Something was going on.  Matt proceeded to call the birth mother, grandmother and text back the number that sent us the email.  No one responded.  Later that Friday night, Matt emailed the birth mother asking for more or an explanation.  Saturday dawned with no answer and with it being Leslie and Andy's wedding day, Matt gave me the pep talk to give this day over to the excitement and festivities that came with a new marriage.  I decided and prayed  to fight hard for my sister's wedding day and to focus on her.  While getting our hair done at the salon, the birth mother called me and left a message.  I did not notice the call until after leaving the salon, which I promptly called Matt five times to have him get the message off my phone so I could focus on my sister.  I was beside myself!  Matt and I finally connected and within a matter of minutes called me back saying that the birth mother had gone into labor on Friday, having never called us as was our plan, and once she saw her children, she decided to keep them.

So, that is our roller coaster ride and we still have not stopped to step off even though we are very dizzy, disheartened and weary.

Would you believe, with all the craziness described above, we still felt incredibly loved and cared for by God through the work, tears, anger, prayers and hugs of our family, friends and strangers?  We were given less than two weeks to plan for the twins and with family and friends shooting off emails and praying, our home became equipped overnight to take on these two bundles.  Once we received the news we were no longer chosen to be their parents, people consistently checked in on us, prayed for us and grieved with us.  I even felt incredibly proud of the birth mother.  She loves her children.  If there is love, comfort and safety in a home, then yes, children should be with their biological parents.  We were even protected financially.  After it was all said and done, the only money we spent included our home study, which you have to spend in ANY adoption situation and an application fee for a FL lawyer who we are still going to pursue.  Do you realize people can spend thousands on a potential adoption, have it fall through and along with heartache are out all that money?  So, as stated above, we are still finding beauty and feeling the love of Christ despite this most recent hardship.  Don't get me wrong, we were and are still very much affected by this most recent difficulty.  We are tired, discouraged, soul weary and fight against lies that pop into our heads.  BUT, we know that we are loved and there is a plan for us.

All these photos above are of all of you, the body of Christ, our family and the community, that loved on us with our most recent adoption adventure.  Thank you, thank you from the bottom of our hearts.  You are amazing, have loved us so well AND we love you!  During the mass chaos of prepping our house for the twins, I was not able to document everything.  So, to the person whom I don't even know that left two bags of clothes in our carport, the friends that offered us carseats and gave us "baby needs" lists, the strangers who supplied us with cribs, BUMBO, swings, the friends who mailed up diapers, clothes, bottles, ordered slings and so many other items, friends who offered Matt work space and offered up their homes close to the hospital where we would have been visiting Baby B, to family that supplied us with so many items and gave up their time to prep the playroom and friends that became "point people" and took over organizing so that our heads would not explode...the list goes on and on, I cannot thank you enough.  We appreciate all of you!