So, We Are THOSE Parents

 So, I guess we are those parents.  You know, the obnoxious ones.  No, actually, this was the only "Happy Birthday" balloon Matthew could find and when I saw him carrying it out of the store it brought wonderful comic relief to our situation.  We visited Ethan's grave prior to heading to Greenville for a day of celebrating his life.  You know, when I am at his grave, I can't help talking to him like he is actually there and he can hear us.  I also do that do his photographs as well as kiss the pictures we have of him.  His grave, his photographs and items from the hospital are the only tangible items we have and they bring out the human desire in me to interact and communicate.  I can't help it and really, I don't want to.  We even went to Ethan's grave and told him he was going to be a big brother.

Tomorrow is our son's birthday. April 21st will always be his birth day, but it hurts my heart to know there is no birthday. About 8 months after Ethan passed away, I realized that I would, Matthew would and even family and friends will always have "would have been" thoughts and statements for him. He "would have been" one year old tomorrow. There "would have been" cake, ice cream, a gathering of people to celebrate this life. Instead there is nothing at least not like one would hope.

We have plans to celebrate tomorrow though. I have purchased a fresh set of colorful and vibrant silk flowers to place at Ethan's grave. Matthew has been given the mission to obtain a "Happy Birthday" balloon from the grocery store to also be placed with the silk flowers. Visit his grave, indulge our emotions in an unhealthy breakfast at Chick-fil-A, then we are getting the heck out of dodge.

Our plan is to still celebrate our son's life, although short, still meaningful. What do you do for a child that is not with you? What do you do for yourself as a way to mourn as well as cope? Well, we decided sitting around a table crying over a cut cake and melting ice cream with our tears was not the way to go. We are heading for the zoo and hopefully to a ballgame if the weather and my pregnancy affected energy levels hold up. We feel at peace and comforted by taking part in activities we actually would have done with him if he were here with us.

Different Feelings This Easter

Last Easter was a tough time yet greatly softened with the surrounding love of family, friends and even complete strangers...and comfort food too. This Easter, yesterday, was so different.

Frist, we went to church and heard the beauty of the Easter story. One of my favorite lines from the service, I don't remember it verbatim, but Jesus walks right in to the center of hurt that takes place in this life with you. You do not have to endure it alone. Ahhhh, peace.

That afternoon, our home was filled with family, laughter and food. The day was gorgeous as we spent time in fellowship with the AC off and feeling gentle breezes pursue us from the open windows. Soon after, we moved outdoors to an Easter Egg hunt, which proved quite fun. I haven't participated in an egg hunt in years. It proves to you how perceptive you are (always an OT). :)

Today, I also felt pregnant with Peanut #2 for the first time. Meaning, when I bent over to pick up something, I felt like it was increasingly more difficult than it was a week ago. Nausea has been ever present for a while, but I am starting to "grow".

I am thankful these physical feelings happened on Easter. Over the past couple of days, I was reminded how important it is to never forget or ignore the hard times, but don't revel in them. Don't stay living in that tough time. Jesus will walk in to it with you and walk you back out stronger. It doesn't mean you won't feel or cry, but for me, I know I can have the feelings and that a smile or laugh is not too far behind as I fight not to live in the ugliness of this world including the memories of last Easter.

New Diagnosis New Grief But Different

Yesterday, we received an updated diagnosis regarding why we lost Ethan. Come to find out, we experienced a placental infarction. Have you ever heard of this? I sure had not up until yesterday. It seems that it resembles a heart attack yet it happens in the placenta. A blood clot forms, cuts off blood flow which cuts off oxygen and that portion of the placenta dies, which means Baby is not getting the nourishment he or she needs. It generally does not become evident that the baby is not thriving until later in the pregnancy and there is no way to really prevent this from happening as the doctor agreed it is "a freak thing" other than taking a baby aspirin to try and prevent any blood clots from forming.

Upon hearing this news, of course I cried. It was a new bit of information and therefore something new to grieve over. Coming out of the doctor's office, Matt and I were able to both say that we felt blessed too. I was "a millimeter more happy" knowing that my body did not "drop" our baby. Also, upon arriving at home after our appointment, I did some research on PI and read other's stories of their experiences. After doing so, I could feel how God was all over our situation. Our pregnancy did not progress to the point of us ever experiencing Ethan not thriving or unhealthy and having the stress of knowing these facts as his parents. We were able to experience Ethan alive and peaceful, which helps me sleep and function better.

Yesterday, my Aunt Julie was also taken home to be with Jesus. She was 58 and passed away in her home. She had been struggling with diabetes and complications from the disease for years. She is loved by many here, but I am joyful that she is whole, healthy and dancing in the streets of Heaven on legs she will never have to worry about again.

Not only do I like this shot because my husband IS handsome, but I also enjoy the natural back lighting offered by the setting sun. This photo was taken with a 35mm camera and purposefully blurred the background through use of a wide aperature to bring emphasis to Matt's features.

The above are a handful of shots from my latest roll of film. I dusted off the macrolens and put the tripod to work for some of these, while I teetered the camera on a chair back or laid prone on the sidewalk in front of our house for the others. Most of these shots are extended exposure anywhere from 5 seconds to 20. Enjoy!

Geocaching Proof

I have mentioned geocaching before, so I wanted to share some photos of our latest treasure hunt. We went to Chattanooga last weekend and while traveling there and back, we found four caches in different locations. It is a fun way to learn about an area, therapize your visual-perceptual skills (an OT would say that) and break up the trip so you don't get so fidgety. Those are my reasons anyway AND it is fun!

Nothin' Like It

Mexican Train Dominoes is more fun than a barrel full of monkeys. Hands down! My Grandma taught me how to play about four or five years ago. Growing up, whenever we would go visit my grandparents, the card table was always pulled out to the center of the room. Three different generations of family would crowd around to spend time with each other as well as offer up some friendly competition. Playing games is part of my past. It opens up time to bond with loved ones and have a good time, while getting us away from our cell phones and other everyday items that are generally overstimulating. I hope to keep the fun and family bond together through games. It is important and special.

Growth!

Here is the first tomato plant to emerge for the gardening season of 2012! We are up and running! This photo was taken about a week ago, so even now the tomato is sharing true leaves with the world. I have said it before and I will say it again...I love gardening!

Geocaching is awesome! Check it out!