So Many Things

Ahhh!  There are so many things I want to do...

have chickens

make my own skin products

sew, sew, sew

design and start our garden

make my own herbal teas

get rid of the junk in our diets

discover a good and recommended green smoothie

be in community and share all this with others

...and bring our babies along for the ride.

Signed Sad Heart, Confused and Frustrated

Right when I feel like my heart and head are growing and ready to start the adoption process, my heart and head have a different idea.  It happens when I read blogs or hear other's stories.  Prior to reading or hearing, I am full steam ahead...we are going the adoption route!  Then I take in new information AND the tears start flowing AND my heart aches for not having our own children AND I question if adoption really is for us.  I pray for peace and guidance and knowing truth, but I always end up feeling and reacting the same way.  On top of it all, I dream almost every night that we have children or we are pregnant expecting our third infant.  In the dreams, I am either pregnant and on bed rest in the hospital or holding a baby.  Each dreaming cloud is very specific though.  I either know the child is ours biologically or I know the baby has been adopted.  SO, that confuses me even more.

God, please show up in a real and tangible way.  I can't do this by myself.  I give it to you over and over again.

I recently viewed on Netflix:

The Hedgehog

Romantics Anonymous

Each French film very different from the other yet grasped life and love beautifully.

Lotion Bars

Finally, I am posting the recipe for the lotion bars I mentioned at the beginning of January.  I found a basic recipe through a blog I follow and then I refined it to my liking.  The basic recipe includes:

1/3 cup beeswax

1/3 cup coconut oil

1/3 cup shea butter
essential oils (optional)

Heat the beeswax in a double boiler.  Stir frequently.  As it starts to melt, at the coconut oil and stir frequently until it is completely melted.  Then, add the shea butter and stir continuously until it is completely melted.  Do not stir too long past melting as it will cause the mixture to become grainy.  Pour the mixture in to the mold of your choice and place in the fridge for 30 minutes or so depending on the thickness of the mold.  Essential oils may be used but are optional.

These bars were made for my etsy shop.

Lotion bars are amazing and I am glad I discovered them!  With working in the healthcare field, I wash my hands frequently and in the Winter the end result is cracking of my skin.  Since I have been using lotion bars, this is no longer an issue.

Decisions, decisions.  Sometimes they are easy to obtain like grabbing the OJ out of the fridge, yet other times it is like trying to grab a fish out of the water with your bare hands.  To make matters worse, that fish is your next meal and survival is dependent on you snagging it.  Loss of footing or a tip of the boat, the fish you brushed with your fingertips is gone and your hunger pains are just that...painful and stabbing with despair and panic not too far behind.  Picture painted?  Ok.

So, what does making a huge decision look like in the realm of deciding to try and have another baby after losing Ethan and Samuel versus adoption?  It isn't easy like wanting a sweet treat and grabbing the OJ from the big, cold box in your kitchen.  Rather it feels like the meal that just got away and the hunger pains are setting in, along with the panic and anxiety.  The panic leads to thrashing around in the water, scaring any potential dinner away and leaving me breathless and exhausted, hopeless and sad.

Several small situations happened to us since last Thursday.  Do they mean anything?  God uses the big as well as the small in this life to do His work.  I believe this.  I believe in the small things and think they can be even more powerful than the big.  Our boy's lives reflect that notion(small in stature).  So, was it any small thing that Matt asked about a particular church and the work they do in the community?  Or us talking about maybe taking some steps towards adoption and seeing if those doors open or close?  An hour and a half past that discussion, was it a small thing that we were randomly handed prepared information on an adoption meeting taking place in two weeks at the aforementioned church?  Now that I have labeled it as small, I realize how BIG it has the potential to be. 

There is a plan.  I don't know it.  Someone else does.

A precious baby so small yet so big.

I Have Been Avoiding Myself

A couple of days ago, I realized I have been avoiding myself.  I have not written in regards to our boys, the grieving process or the path we have most recently taken in trying to expand our little family.  It hit me with an oh-so-subtle-slap-in-the-face that I have not shared these feelings because I have been living in fear of writing them.  Fearful of what emotions may come out.  Fearful of sitting at the keyboard crying like I have done so many times in the past 2 years.  Initially, I was not writing because we were given an ounce of hope again by visiting the Reproductive Specialist, a new path.  Well, after all the testing, we are back to square one.  There are no answers.

More to come as I am able to handle the emotions and processing that comes with typing our story.  

Oops!

I accidentally forgot about these little guys!  They were suppose to be part of the Fall crop, an experiment, as I had never done any Autumn planting until this past year.  Growing food amazes me, from a tiny seed to an edible and sustaining treat.  Natural food is a miracle.

Homemade deodorant update...it is awesome and I am hooked!

Also, when I receive the ingredients in the mail, I am going to try my hand at homemade lotion bars.  I have done a lot of research, picked a recipe I like and will let you know how it goes.

Are you trying any new homemade recipes these days?

I am no stranger to odd looks or laughs from my husband and family when it comes to some of my homemade/save money concoctions and experiments.  It is ok reader.  You may laugh too, but at least I cannot hear you.  My latest experiment is homemade deodorant.  Aren't you excited?!?  I discovered the existence of this through another blog I read, Thankfully Thrifty.  I made some last night and while I have only tried it once, I love the idea of it and therefore wanted to share it with you.  So far, I haven't received any offensive looks from anyone, so I will accept this as a positive sign.  Again, as with the reason I have made other homemade items, I chose to do this because I can pronounce all the ingredients, as they are natural, and it is cheaper than buying the superdeeduper kind from health food stores.  Also, I am not a fan of chemicals found in deodorants. 

3 T of coconut oil

1/4 c cornstarch or arrowroot

1/4 c baking soda

10 drops of essential oils (optional)

I ended up placing all these items, sans essential oils, in a plastic bag to mix them.  My body heat melted the coconut oil rapidly as trying to mix in a bowl proved difficult.  Once I placed it in the mason jar, it was a liquid which was solved with a 10 minute visit to the fridge.  Next time I make this, I will warm up the oil first, then combine it with the powders.

Side note...yesterday my sister stopped by and requested the recipe for homemade laundry detergent.  I have a convert!  It made my day.  She stated she really liked the powder, how well it worked and how much cheaper it is than the store bought detergent.  Still smiling this morning...

My Latest Craft Affair

I have learned about loom knitting.  Sounds crazy fun doesn't it?!?  I have avoided looms up to this point because for some odd reason, I thought they were a wait to cheat in the land of knitting.  Well, I am silly and it is not cheating, but just another form of knitting and a much faster form too.  My most recent love is making hats for babies.  My girlfriends are popping out babies left and right and thankfully, I have been able to share some hats with some of those new, sweet babies.

This particular hat is for a preemie.