Could this become ours???

We will see.

I had a realization today about being a new mother.  New moms are incredibly busy with their new, little charge.  Taking care of the needs of another from feeding to changing to catching baby's new facial expressions to doctor appointments.  What I realized, when I became a mother and other parents like me whom have lost their children, parenting is still a full time job.  The difference is that parenthood now presents in the form of grief rather than nursing, changing diapers, scheduling naps and the list goes on and on.  Both definitions of the job of parenting are incredibly important.  Grieving is a full time job.  I have always felt like I am a parent and I realize some have trouble swallowing this definition of parenting.  I am a mom.  I am experiencing an aspect of motherhood that no mother should ever have to experience, yet it is still the reality of being a parent.

A sculpture made by a good friend, Katy, in honor of our first son, Ethan, and a baby girl who also took "early flight".

Makeshift Milkshake

I am still managing to stay away from processed foods and added processed sugars.  It's amazing!  I feel like a rock star.  Part of what is contributing to success up to this point, thankfully people have shared a couple of recipes with me for when my sweet tooth is acting up.  The following is a milkshake of sorts that my sister taught me.  Here goes and as you will see, I didn't really pay attention to measurements:

Ice

Milk or cream (half of the amount of ice)

1 T of peanut butter

1 T of cocoa powder

Sugar substitute or squirt of honey to you liking

1 T almonds

Toss all the items in a blender and mix well.  You can change this up however you like.  For instance, I added the almonds and changed using a sugar substitute to using honey.  You could probably add strawberries to this, really whatever you fancy.  The hard part has been not eating one of these everyday.  Enjoy!

 

Isn't it amazing when your heart and mind experience a new realization about yourself, the world around you or life in general?  Over the past month, a handful of items have been moving around in my soul.  The initial uncovering is quite painful, humiliating, shocking and threatens to bring shame, but the Beauty that follows surpasses all these things.  A new Freedom is felt, a new lightness, a new sense of self as well as a new sense of not belonging to oneself.  Does it stick around and persist?  For me, no, but now I know what is possible and I desperately pray for it to return and Infiltrate my heart; change me for good and stay with me and may I share it with others.

Pacifying Pancakes

Recently, I chose to give up flour and processed sugar, again.  *sigh*  I am not a fast learner.  I have done this several times in the past and it always amazes me how much better I feel and how efficiently my body operates.  You think that would teach me something, right?  Nope.  I always go back to my old ways.  Well, I have jumped back on the trolley.  It is going well thus far and I realized last night that I have had only one headache, no stomach aches, no bloating or feeling heavy and clearer thinking in the past couple of weeks.  Oh, I can't forget to mention and this one is huge, no heartburn.  I have had heartburn since November!

All this said, when I ran across this recipe for makeshift pancakes, I almost fell out of my chair.  It is funny, as I am not even a huge pancake fan.  The recipe is as follows:

1 egg

1 banana

1 T peanut butter

Mix it up and throw it in the skillet!  Yep!  That is all.

Now, if you know me, I can't leave well enough alone, so I added a couple items.

2 T almonds ground up

2 T oats ground up

Mix all 5 items together in the blender and now toss it in the skillet in butter, coconut oil, etc.

My opinion...this is a keeper.  Are they pancakes?  No, but I am absolutely alright with that since I do not like how pancakes make me feel afterwards.  I am thrilled with how these taste knowing there are no fake yucks hiding anywhere in the mix, but next time I make them, I may add a smidgen of honey, cinnamon and nutmeg to the mix.  You can really tweak these however you like.  For "syrup" I blended up blueberries, a couple strawberries and 2 tablespoons of OJ.  When you use as much of the concoction as you like on your pancakes, you have enough left over to drink as a smoothie.  Next time, I am going to try pineapple "syrup".  Side note:  Use a good blender and this will not take near as long as it took me.  This recipe made 3 pancakes.  I wonder if these can be placed in the freezer?

So Many Things

Ahhh!  There are so many things I want to do...

have chickens

make my own skin products

sew, sew, sew

design and start our garden

make my own herbal teas

get rid of the junk in our diets

discover a good and recommended green smoothie

be in community and share all this with others

...and bring our babies along for the ride.

Signed Sad Heart, Confused and Frustrated

Right when I feel like my heart and head are growing and ready to start the adoption process, my heart and head have a different idea.  It happens when I read blogs or hear other's stories.  Prior to reading or hearing, I am full steam ahead...we are going the adoption route!  Then I take in new information AND the tears start flowing AND my heart aches for not having our own children AND I question if adoption really is for us.  I pray for peace and guidance and knowing truth, but I always end up feeling and reacting the same way.  On top of it all, I dream almost every night that we have children or we are pregnant expecting our third infant.  In the dreams, I am either pregnant and on bed rest in the hospital or holding a baby.  Each dreaming cloud is very specific though.  I either know the child is ours biologically or I know the baby has been adopted.  SO, that confuses me even more.

God, please show up in a real and tangible way.  I can't do this by myself.  I give it to you over and over again.

I recently viewed on Netflix:

The Hedgehog

Romantics Anonymous

Each French film very different from the other yet grasped life and love beautifully.

Lotion Bars

Finally, I am posting the recipe for the lotion bars I mentioned at the beginning of January.  I found a basic recipe through a blog I follow and then I refined it to my liking.  The basic recipe includes:

1/3 cup beeswax

1/3 cup coconut oil

1/3 cup shea butter
essential oils (optional)

Heat the beeswax in a double boiler.  Stir frequently.  As it starts to melt, at the coconut oil and stir frequently until it is completely melted.  Then, add the shea butter and stir continuously until it is completely melted.  Do not stir too long past melting as it will cause the mixture to become grainy.  Pour the mixture in to the mold of your choice and place in the fridge for 30 minutes or so depending on the thickness of the mold.  Essential oils may be used but are optional.

These bars were made for my etsy shop.

Lotion bars are amazing and I am glad I discovered them!  With working in the healthcare field, I wash my hands frequently and in the Winter the end result is cracking of my skin.  Since I have been using lotion bars, this is no longer an issue.

Decisions, decisions.  Sometimes they are easy to obtain like grabbing the OJ out of the fridge, yet other times it is like trying to grab a fish out of the water with your bare hands.  To make matters worse, that fish is your next meal and survival is dependent on you snagging it.  Loss of footing or a tip of the boat, the fish you brushed with your fingertips is gone and your hunger pains are just that...painful and stabbing with despair and panic not too far behind.  Picture painted?  Ok.

So, what does making a huge decision look like in the realm of deciding to try and have another baby after losing Ethan and Samuel versus adoption?  It isn't easy like wanting a sweet treat and grabbing the OJ from the big, cold box in your kitchen.  Rather it feels like the meal that just got away and the hunger pains are setting in, along with the panic and anxiety.  The panic leads to thrashing around in the water, scaring any potential dinner away and leaving me breathless and exhausted, hopeless and sad.

Several small situations happened to us since last Thursday.  Do they mean anything?  God uses the big as well as the small in this life to do His work.  I believe this.  I believe in the small things and think they can be even more powerful than the big.  Our boy's lives reflect that notion(small in stature).  So, was it any small thing that Matt asked about a particular church and the work they do in the community?  Or us talking about maybe taking some steps towards adoption and seeing if those doors open or close?  An hour and a half past that discussion, was it a small thing that we were randomly handed prepared information on an adoption meeting taking place in two weeks at the aforementioned church?  Now that I have labeled it as small, I realize how BIG it has the potential to be. 

There is a plan.  I don't know it.  Someone else does.

A precious baby so small yet so big.