Today...an educational post!  If you have recently bought spearmint plants for your garden, take all of them back but one.  Spearmint is a perennial, returns year after year, and if you snap off a sprig and stick it in water, within a handful of days, you will see tiny roots.  Spearmint will re-root itself.  The new roots in the photos above are hard to see, but they are there.  I am going to let them grow for about another week and then put the plant in its new home of potting soil and relocate it to the sunny deck.  I will probably split the mama plant a couple of more times to get enough spearmint to make mojitos throughout the Summer.  :)

I was recently told that when someone gets down on their life, they think of our life and miraculously feel better.  Umm...that is not cool in my book.  Granted, they did say it directs them to pray for us as well, but I don't want my life to influence someone to feel better about their own.  Do you know what I mean?  It was said in a way of, "I am feeling down today about my position in life.  Oh, wait!  Thank goodness our life isn't like Sarah and Matt's.  I feel better now."  Am I making sense?  I hope so.

I am so angry.

I am very hurt.

I feel defeated.

My arms are empty.

Why am I here?

What is my purpose?

I want to run away.

I hate...

My latest comfort is silence.

Listening to the birds.

Watching the wind in the trees.

Pulling weeds in the garden.

Samuel Keith went home to be with Jesus during the early morning hours of May 29th.  We later gave birth and met him at 8:19pm and tearfully said 'goodbye'.  He was beautiful at seventeen weeks gestation.  He was tiny, 6 oz., yet had fingernails and every other feature that we have as living, walking beings.  

 

Life does not start when science gives it the go ahead.  Only One can begin life.  If we had done what the doctors has advised, we would have induced labor and ultimately killed Samuel, as he continued to have a strong heartbeat even after my water broke on May 18th.  God gave us eleven more days with him.  Eleven!  Eleven beautiful days that I would not trade for anything!  Eleven precious days that would have been thrown away had we listened to science and humans.  Days given to reading Samuel stories about Jesus, singing to him, calling him by name, feeling a couple tiny kicks and welcoming the community in to know him.  Doctors cannot give us that, did not want to give us that, but God did.

 

We are now back home, trying to heal and once again my body is ready to feed and nourish a baby that is not with us.  I am in physical pain from my calves to the top of my head and down to my fingertips.  Our hearts are broken, again, and we are struggling with what all of this means and what our purpose is in this life.   

Jumping Back on the Cutting Cost Train

Okay.  It is time to get back down to business.  I am at the tail-end of my first trimester, my morning sickness, which has had absolutely nothing to do with the a.m. this go around, has subsided and my energy levels are back up to a degree.  So what does that mean for us?   Well, first off, I need to start grocery shopping and therefore, cooking again.  I enjoy cooking and like to do so from scratch, so if my work schedule is not crazy, I look forward to getting back in to this habit.  I know Matt will appreciate it.  Another area that will think fondly of me cooking again is our budget!  That said, I discovered a way to rid the house, the grocery list and budget of the added expense of dryer sheets.  I realize I just wrote several sentences on cooking and no, we do not eat dryer sheets.  I have done research on this before and found suggestions of using a tennis ball or balled up tin foil, but I found a link today for making your own dryer sheets that resemble balls of yarn.  I am pretty excited about making these and even more pumped that they can last up to seven years.  Matt will be thrilled that it will make me use up some of my yarn scraps. :)  Also, I read that these cut down in amount of time it takes to dry laundry because they absorb some of the moisture.  That means less electricity is used, therefore, less dinero to pay the bills.  So, "The Sleepy Time Gal" blog, thank you for sharing such a great idea!

So, We Are THOSE Parents

 So, I guess we are those parents.  You know, the obnoxious ones.  No, actually, this was the only "Happy Birthday" balloon Matthew could find and when I saw him carrying it out of the store it brought wonderful comic relief to our situation.  We visited Ethan's grave prior to heading to Greenville for a day of celebrating his life.  You know, when I am at his grave, I can't help talking to him like he is actually there and he can hear us.  I also do that do his photographs as well as kiss the pictures we have of him.  His grave, his photographs and items from the hospital are the only tangible items we have and they bring out the human desire in me to interact and communicate.  I can't help it and really, I don't want to.  We even went to Ethan's grave and told him he was going to be a big brother.

Tomorrow is our son's birthday. April 21st will always be his birth day, but it hurts my heart to know there is no birthday. About 8 months after Ethan passed away, I realized that I would, Matthew would and even family and friends will always have "would have been" thoughts and statements for him. He "would have been" one year old tomorrow. There "would have been" cake, ice cream, a gathering of people to celebrate this life. Instead there is nothing at least not like one would hope.

We have plans to celebrate tomorrow though. I have purchased a fresh set of colorful and vibrant silk flowers to place at Ethan's grave. Matthew has been given the mission to obtain a "Happy Birthday" balloon from the grocery store to also be placed with the silk flowers. Visit his grave, indulge our emotions in an unhealthy breakfast at Chick-fil-A, then we are getting the heck out of dodge.

Our plan is to still celebrate our son's life, although short, still meaningful. What do you do for a child that is not with you? What do you do for yourself as a way to mourn as well as cope? Well, we decided sitting around a table crying over a cut cake and melting ice cream with our tears was not the way to go. We are heading for the zoo and hopefully to a ballgame if the weather and my pregnancy affected energy levels hold up. We feel at peace and comforted by taking part in activities we actually would have done with him if he were here with us.

Different Feelings This Easter

Last Easter was a tough time yet greatly softened with the surrounding love of family, friends and even complete strangers...and comfort food too. This Easter, yesterday, was so different.

Frist, we went to church and heard the beauty of the Easter story. One of my favorite lines from the service, I don't remember it verbatim, but Jesus walks right in to the center of hurt that takes place in this life with you. You do not have to endure it alone. Ahhhh, peace.

That afternoon, our home was filled with family, laughter and food. The day was gorgeous as we spent time in fellowship with the AC off and feeling gentle breezes pursue us from the open windows. Soon after, we moved outdoors to an Easter Egg hunt, which proved quite fun. I haven't participated in an egg hunt in years. It proves to you how perceptive you are (always an OT). :)

Today, I also felt pregnant with Peanut #2 for the first time. Meaning, when I bent over to pick up something, I felt like it was increasingly more difficult than it was a week ago. Nausea has been ever present for a while, but I am starting to "grow".

I am thankful these physical feelings happened on Easter. Over the past couple of days, I was reminded how important it is to never forget or ignore the hard times, but don't revel in them. Don't stay living in that tough time. Jesus will walk in to it with you and walk you back out stronger. It doesn't mean you won't feel or cry, but for me, I know I can have the feelings and that a smile or laugh is not too far behind as I fight not to live in the ugliness of this world including the memories of last Easter.

New Diagnosis New Grief But Different

Yesterday, we received an updated diagnosis regarding why we lost Ethan. Come to find out, we experienced a placental infarction. Have you ever heard of this? I sure had not up until yesterday. It seems that it resembles a heart attack yet it happens in the placenta. A blood clot forms, cuts off blood flow which cuts off oxygen and that portion of the placenta dies, which means Baby is not getting the nourishment he or she needs. It generally does not become evident that the baby is not thriving until later in the pregnancy and there is no way to really prevent this from happening as the doctor agreed it is "a freak thing" other than taking a baby aspirin to try and prevent any blood clots from forming.

Upon hearing this news, of course I cried. It was a new bit of information and therefore something new to grieve over. Coming out of the doctor's office, Matt and I were able to both say that we felt blessed too. I was "a millimeter more happy" knowing that my body did not "drop" our baby. Also, upon arriving at home after our appointment, I did some research on PI and read other's stories of their experiences. After doing so, I could feel how God was all over our situation. Our pregnancy did not progress to the point of us ever experiencing Ethan not thriving or unhealthy and having the stress of knowing these facts as his parents. We were able to experience Ethan alive and peaceful, which helps me sleep and function better.

Yesterday, my Aunt Julie was also taken home to be with Jesus. She was 58 and passed away in her home. She had been struggling with diabetes and complications from the disease for years. She is loved by many here, but I am joyful that she is whole, healthy and dancing in the streets of Heaven on legs she will never have to worry about again.

Not only do I like this shot because my husband IS handsome, but I also enjoy the natural back lighting offered by the setting sun. This photo was taken with a 35mm camera and purposefully blurred the background through use of a wide aperature to bring emphasis to Matt's features.